In 2021, the 61-year-old led the Azzurri to the European Championship title, but then the national team coach snubbed the federation. Now Roberto Mancini is back from the wilderness—as the fourth or even fifth choice.
Of course, you could kind of make that up. In a great series with even better British humor. Then the Federazione Italiana Giuoco Calcio would come along and buy out Ted Lasso’s contract with AFC Richmond—a postmodern mix of fiction and reality TV.
That might just fill the federation’s empty coffers; Apple TV would be satisfied, and so would Gianni Infantino and Donald Trump—after all, Coach Lasso, along with his indispensable assistant Willis Beard, even made an appearance at the World Cup final. The only thing missing was the grim, guttural Roy Kent, who would really clean house at the Italian federation with his 23 F-words per minute. Lasso turned down the offer to promote his new season in August, leaving the federation with nothing but room for real-life satire.
Italy came up with a clever script: First, they cheered Bosnia and Herzegovina’s advancement in Wales, only to then miss out on the World Cup finals for the third time in a row in Bosnia. As four-time world champions. Then, in tears, they all resigned from their posts, leaving the FIGC leaderless for months; to the big World Cup bash, Italy sent Andrea Bocelli and Laura Pausini. At least that’s something.
The triumvirate vied with each other to see who could grin the widest
After the umpteenth year of nothing, there was finally a Big Bang of hope—Giovanni Malago was elected president of the federation and announced a palace coup. Nothing like before. Paolo Maldini arrived as sporting director in tandem with Leonardo, and the triumvirate vied with each other to see who could grin the widest. Pep Guardiola! Wait a minute—he’d announced he was taking a year off to spend time with his family. Carlo Ancelotti! Hmm, he’s under contract in Brazil.
Andrea Pirlo! Damn, he’s raking in millions as a brand ambassador for a Russian betting company. A huge surprise—no one could have known that before the virtual engagement. So no Pirlo, which, given his coaching resume, wasn’t exactly a massive loss. Maldini and Leonardo reacted defiantly, like schoolyard kids.
“Our deal or nothing, and arrivederci”—which revealed a lot about their professionalism and commitment to serious structural change. In the spiraling farce, Malago helped Roberto Mancini secure his second term. That served as a perfect punchline. Better not to risk any PR ties to Russian invaders, but instead to reinstate a figure who, in 2023, on the Italian super-holiday Ferragosto, resigned via email to sell himself off as “Roberto of Arabia” for nearly 30 million euros a year.
A year later, the Saudi Arabian Football Federation fired him; Mancini didn’t even shrug and landed a job with Al-Sadd in Qatar. Perhaps not for compensation from Porto, but integrity has long since been relegated to the “irrelevant” shelf in soccer anyway. “Roberto has apologized; he’s the right coach to rebuild the team,” said Malago.
An interesting apology, considering Mancini had insisted he’d never spoken with Saudi Arabia before stepping down. A perfect coincidence for the 200th birthday of Carlo Collodi, the author of Pinocchio. Claudio Ranieri will now become Club Italia’s sporting director, after the super duo of Maldini and Leonardo lasted just 17 days. Ranieri hails from Testaccio, Rome’s butchers’ quarter, where his father used to have him clean up to teach him about life. But 14 pairs of headphones and three cell phones are no longer Sir Claudio’s world.
A traitor to his country is set to revamp the former world champion
A traitor to his country and nostalgia are set to revamp Italy—good luck with that. After all, Mancini once put his trust in young players who barely got any playing time at the club and won the 2021 European Championship, though he also failed in the World Cup playoffs. Ted Lasso would have been an outstanding advisor—he’d trust ghosts, “but most importantly, ghosts have to believe in themselves!”
Mancini was the fourth or fifth choice, and he might take Roy Kent under his wing in the future: “Fuck your overthinking, go back out there and have some fucking fun!” Maybe it really is that simple.
